Many Tears Flow

My 2015 word is Resilient.

I am trying.

When I picked this word, I didn't intend for it to mean - Lord, please stretch me as far as you can.  But, that is how I have felt this week.

I am not even sure why everything has hit me so hard?  Hormones have played a part in it, yes.  Lack of sleep has also played a part in it.

I know there is struggle in the world.  I know there is cancer.  We've had financial problems before.  We've had rough decisions to make.  But, it has all hit in the last week.  And, I have crumbled.  And I have asked my husband to just love me and ignore my unstable emotions.

A friends funeral on Sunday.  Another dear friend diagnosed with brain cancer on Thursday - a terrible brain cancer with 12 months to live.  A struggle in our own family.  Financial suffocation.  Hard decisions to make.  A nephew hospitalized with a crap disease he will struggle with the rest of his life.  Another friend in ICU struggling after major throat surgery.  Anxiety waiting on Daegan's next brain MRI for clearance.   Intense vertigo and migraines, most likely brought on by the stress.

For me, and my tender emotions these days, a very rough week.   But, mostly, an exhausting week full of, just to be honest, anger .  My prayers have been anything but glorifying and thankful.  I'm angry about these situations and, frankly, tired of the same old stress and hurt.

It is ironic, tho, because I do have a temper. People view me as laid back, which I am in so many ways. But, I have Caines blood. And I just went thru a discipline session with my 8-yr old this weekend for his temper. And he was being so ridiculous, I was almost laughing at him.

But God is not laughing at me. He his hears my angry prayers and he waits for me   He is merciful and just.  And thus I cry some more. I have been so frustrated and angry and sad.   When I opened my devotion this morning and read, "every time we lose ground with our fellowship with Jesus Christ, it is because we disrespectfully thought we knew better."  And that was a similar message in our sermon yesterday too.

Yes, I am a control freak.

It has been a struggle for me this week.  My children have seen me cry for about the last six days straight.  I even took Friday off of work because I told the guys I "just couldn't do it today".  Jason just holds me tight, as he knows there isn't much more to do.

Why do I share this?

Because, it is where we are right now, and journaling is what I do.  I am being real and open and honest.  I pray I can look back at this in a month and say "wow, I really learned a lot that month about trusting the Lord."  And, sometimes, after I've processed a little and prayed a lot, journaling is my big step to healing my mind and moving past the anger and tears.

One last thing that really spoke to me this week was posted by a friend. She was posting it to herself, but it spoke volumes to me :

BE ON GUARD against the pit of self pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don't even go near the edge of the pit. It's edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit then to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.
There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity. When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me (God), it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself. Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit. Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me. Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling