I am not proud to say it but it makes me a more little short tempered with so much stress. Plus, the cold weather keeps the kids cooped up inside more, which leads to crazy children. This does not improve my irritability. There has been irrational yelling.
"If someone asks me for clean laundry again......."
If you are in my sphere, you've probably been praying for Schaeffer. My Facebook news feed started with prayer requests and updates on Saturday. Today it is saturated with prayers pleading for a miracle. Basically, the doctors say that is the only option.
On Friday, Schaeffer had the flu, but Friday night his mom, Katherine, a dear friend of mine felt Schaeffer was getting dehydrated. By the middle of the night, she took him to the ER. When she got to the ER he started having seizures (thankfully she was at the ER) and then he stopped breathing. He has been comatose with no brain activity ever since. Katherine by his side ever since reading to him, hoping he would respond to something. This morning, they started the protocol for all the "final" tests. But, Katherine is still trying. And, you know what? I would be to.
So, as I have cried and cried and cried. I've held my kids tighter. Even my non-hugger, I've forced him into it. And I've yelled less at the kids (and possibly some at God?). I've found myself irritated, but I've actually stopped to think, "What if this is the last thing I say to this child? How important is this?"
I know that is a bit extreme, but it has been an extreme weekend.
So much emotion. My kids and my husband see me cry often. Especially these days. I cried and cried when I found out Hella had cancer. I cried over the stress of Nicole suffocating after her surgery. I needed her to be ok. I've cried over some of our household stresses.
But, this has been different. Far different. This has hit really close to home. This is a close friend. A Mommy. Coming to terms with the fact that her five year is brain dead. The only hope is a miracle.
I have not just cried. I have sobbed. I have wept. And my husband, whom I have only seen cry once before, in our 18 years of marriage, when we lost our own child via miscarriage, has sobbed and wept with me. This is tragic.
My source of comfort is two-fold, God weeps with us. And he weeps, but he is not shocked by this tragedy. I love this picture from "The Magician's Nephew" by CS Lewis:
"Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great fee and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at it's face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself."
We cry out to God for mercy on little Schaeffer and the entire Fisher family right now. In these terrible times of storm, it is hard to understand why?? This hymn was read during the sermon and it really spoke to me:
he plants his foot-steps in the sea, and rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines of never failing skill
he treasures up his bright designs, and works his sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; the clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy, and shall break in blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust him for his grace,
behind a frowning providence he hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding ev'ry hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flow'r.
Blind unbelief is sure to err, and scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter, and will make it plain.
William Cowper 1774
God's plan is perfect. We must trust him. We must wait for him to show it to us. We can beg for a miracle, it is not wrong to PRAY BIG, but if that is not the plan, but we know God is still loving, caring, and has a perfect plan. He is unchanging.
And, hug your kids a little tighter tonight. Keeps things in perspective - "pick your battles" has a whole new meaning.